Couples do not fight for the trivial stuff like why did you place the socks on the table, or why did you throw the towel on floor or why did you not place the used plate in the sink or who is going to take the children out or drop in school etc.,
But actually for power and control, respect and recognition, love and care are the real causes behind most of the conflicts and arguments.
Generally when one person is doing either good or bad, whether they are lazy or responsible , when you disagree or become resentful of other person, it is because they are doing what you are unable to do or reflect the higher version that. What would you do? You envy them, you try to put the other person down, you try to criticize just to bring other person down.
If you are attuned to not ask for what you want and get things done due to your upbringing, when you see that ability in other person you would not admire it and try to get into conflict with them because you do not believe in that ideology. We come with these schoolings or preset conceptions and beliefs and expect others to be the same way even though we know that a certain quality is desirable one.
Generally most of the fights between couples start with one trivial thing like not opening the door or bringing a cup of tea for them while making one for them . Then the argument escalates to all the other negligible stuff that you ignored or not worthy taking about at different situations. Like not talking well with your friend, mother in law saying something to you or various other things that you were in disagreement with but didn’t care much at that time.
Confirmation bias : When you believe in something you tend to support the evidence that supports it and search for all the means that bolsters your belief. By this you disregard and reject any evidence that proves the other way round. If you get fixated that your partner is a slob, despite all the effort and responsibility that the other person shows, you cherry pick and looking out for the one instance which confirms your bias towards that person. Then you become blind to all the other good stuff that the other one did and go for the one mistake that supports your bias.
Fundamental attribution error: Being Judgmental and being partial towards ones errors and you think that the same rules does not apply when others does something wrong. Like if I am late I am stuck in traffic jam but if your are late you are indiscipline. Like I am in a bad mood I had a bad day but if you are in a bad mood you don’t have self-control and cranky person.
Attack, blame and defend are the classic behaviors we see when couples fight.
During a conflict, we listen for very less time may be for 10 seconds and after that time frame we already start to prepare for rebuttal. If we listen carefully and completely it does not mean that we agree with you, you listen fully and still disagree. When you actually listen to the other person carefully, normally we can have a better response and ability to control the situation.
To efficiently handle a conflict
- You can consider not saying anything and decide to have some time away. Ponder on the issue and then get back with some reasonable argument to say.
- You may consider saying sorry. You might need to let go of the go and apologies for the terrible things you said or done.
- You may consider writing a letter to the other person. When you write a letter you can put write your heart out and other person would also have a chance to read through it without coming to any judgment.
Self esteem is knowing ones own flaws but still holding oneself in high regard.
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References:
Excerpts from famous relationship expert’s articles and talks