First of all to be frank their opinion of me and their true nature knocked me out of my knees. I felt so stupid when I first discovered it, then I felt hurt, then I was furious and it was painful. It was a painful lesson about trust, and it was also a painful lesson but a lesson that I needed the most. I needed this lesson to be able to establish better boundaries and to level up as a person who is self-reliable, stronger and independent of them.
I asked myself what’s my goal here and what is the real meaning for this to happen in my life. I asked myself why did this happen to me and at this stage of my life. I asked myself if I deserve this and what did I do to go through this crap. I thought what’s in it for me. I thought what I am going to do. Am I trying to fix the person, am I trying to make them wrong, am I trying to repair the situation, am I waiting for a gotcha moment, should i prove them wrong, should i take revenge, do they really ? do they even deserve my time and attention, do they deserve any precious space in my mind. I don’t think so.
I felt there may be a time in my life where I can say myself out loud to the person that betrayed me “I know what you did and I will not have you people in my life because I will not surround myself with people who backstab, who insult, who can be so mean and rude, who blackmail. I can forgive you people but I can never trust you people with anything in my life and never involve you guys in anything personal to me”.
The I thought that what those people said and did to me is nothing to do with me. I believe that it has to do with their pain, it has to do with their own low mindset, it has to do with their coping mechanisms, it has to do with their trauma, their dysfunction, their insecurities, and inferiority complex.
But it doesn’t make it any easier for me when I am at receiving end of it. But when I say, and I repeat these facts, I personally believe it releases me of the pressure and impact of their attitude towards me.
I think what they said and how they behaved has literally has nothing to do with me. They are a bunch of hurt people who are powerless. They are a group of unconscious people who go on casually limping through life. They are hurt themselves who are unable to cope. Since they are unable to come to terms with their own insecurities, they are dealing with them by dumping their garbage on others to make them feel bad and they are getting a false sense of superiority. Unfortunately, that is false and unreal which they can never accept. If they accept, they are defeated, and they will be forced to feel guilty. And generally, people do not want to feel guilty and agree to their shortcomings and mistakes. So, they continue as who they are and they would choose stay blissfully ignorant of the reality and mistakes they make.
Their behaviour and rudeness does not determine whether I’m lovable or whether I trust people or whether I’m good enough.
They have revealed a very broken side of themselves that they have chosen to escape, numb, deflect all their inner demons instead of facing it in the mirror. They felt the pain of their broken selves through me and hence they attacked me with lies and accusations. They have hidden their heads in sad like an ostrich by kicking stones at me.
It’s hard because I have got to go through a process of grieving. I have to retrospect and grieve for a long time because I need to grieve for my imagined future with them and I need to grieve for the trust they broke with me. I need to grieve because I need to bury all my beliefs, feelings, trust, and relationship with them. It is traumatic and destabilizing but I need to grieve to let go of the past and prepare for a better future.
Of course I was upset and angry on myself for not identifying the true nature of these people. It is terrible because they accused and insulted me with absolute lies.
After a while I started to feel sorry for them because they’re suffering in their own ways. They internally suffer as they know that they lied or broke trust, insult, shout, or whatever because it’s easier to throw garbage on others than to face their own truths.
How do the complainers, criticizers, do nothing commentators, armchair activists, rude and offensive people get their energy?
- They numb their pain by dragging other people down instead of lifting them and supporting them.
- They get a false sense of satisfaction and temporary relief from their deficits in life by dismissing other achievements, by downgrading others hard work, by diminishing others selfless service and actions.
- They hide their own mistakes by saying something outrageous about others before others could point out their lies and mistakes.
- They keep escaping from their responsibilities and roles in life. They hide and hide and hide.
- They hide behind their superficial personalities and live on other shoulders without any remorse.
- They get energy by talking down others efforts and make others feel guilty for no fault of theirs.
- They devalue others to feel valuable.
- They get what they want by guilt feeling others and by taking hostage of others self-respect and self-esteem rather than achieving what they want through honesty and genuine effort.
- They keep jumping from one requirement to another and keep searching for things to consume to seek happiness.
- They need constant external validation from others, and they seek happiness from external sources.
- They are takers and not givers.
- They do not have anything to offer selflessly without any expectations.
- They plan and contrive and escape from responsibilities and duties.
- They want others to take care of them, praise them, treat them like royalty, help them, support them and they always feel they are entitled and special.
- In fact, they do not possess any attributes to feel special about themselves. So, to hide their false sense of self, they resort to demean, diminish, dismiss and ill-treat others so that others would not get a chance to say something to them.
- They live in constant fear and scarcity mindset.
- They live in the fear of missing out something and constantly pursue material things which give instant pleasure.
- They keep comparing with others and others lives and make their lives miserable and through their ill temper and misplaced perspective of life, they make the lives of people living them also miserable either purposefully or unconsciously.
So, I am convinced that I need to grieve and continue to grieve to the point where I do not have any feelings left towards them or how they behaved with me. I must become numb to their offensive behaviour. I must dive deep into my core to heal and rise as a transformed person. I need to work on myself to an extent what I feel grateful for what has happened to me.
I realized that personal excellence is an ultimate form of rebellion. I realized that I need to work on my mindset instead of giving my mind space thinking about others. Self-care and self-growth is the best way of show haters their place.
Looking back I decided to stop blaming myself. I did my best based on the maturity and wisdom that I have at that point of time. There is always a better way of handling things in life. But we would have done it better if we know any better. But that is not how life happens. Things happen when they are supposed to happen. We need to handle with the resources and wisdom we have at the point of time. Things in my life are way they are. I am who I am because of everything that happened to me and everyone that came in my life. They are not failures and insults but I consider them as lessons and sledgehammers. I need them to get a wake up call and transform myself – To become a better version of myself. There is a meaning to all these experiences and events in my life. I had to go through the hell not only for my benefit but may be for someone out their who is waiting for my services and learn from my experiences that could make positive impact in their lives.
I must strive to level up my standards. I need to keep living my passion and live a life of integrity. I will do everything that I could to surprise myself and inspire people around me especially my son. I am proud of myself for that way I handled myself and the situation. I did not stoop to their level and kept my decency and tried to be on the topic without resorting to personal attacks. I did not resort to harsh words or insults like them and spoke the truth even though it is painful and embarrassing to explain what is already clearly visible to them.
I kept saying these words before i fall for victim mentality and when ever I am down. “Hey Praveen, All your effort, pain, hard work will not wasted. You are doing all this work for something and someone out there. It is just that the moment has not yet come. Something amazing is going to happen in future that you have experienced at. It is going to happen when it is supposed to happen”
*Do read the Disclaimer